No matter how your relationship came to an end, the hardest part of any split is often considering the final disposition - the moment in time when you actually have to say goodbye where each of you goes their separate ways. This ultimately leads to a lot of former couples forming a type of friendship in an effort to avoid the pain of being alone. Unfortunately, these friendships are full of potential landmines - and both parties are usually left feeling more hurt than they would have otherwise.
No matter how amicable your breakup was, a friendship with your ex is not all sunshine and rainbows. While at first the benefits outweigh the drawbacks by an impressively high ratio, the reality cannot be kept at bay forever. Although the two of you hang out often, talk almost like you used to and share a common bond and understanding, your relationship doesn't exist anymore. You broke up, and you can't gloss over the fact of the matter with a pseudo relationship in place forever.
What was your connection with your ex before you started dating? Were you friends? Did you hang out in the same circles? Were you acquaintances? A friendship with an ex becomes more viable when it is simply a continuation of a pre-existing bond prior to your dating relationship. It minimizes the damage that can potentially be caused by breaking away completely and gives you an excuse to stick around - even if you may know better.
Just because being friends with your ex is ultimately a bad idea for both of you, it isn't all bad right off the bat. Good moments certainly are possible. Maybe in the long run you start feeling closer to your ex than ever. It finally seems that you were able to put the past behind you, and that things are really starting to work out the way you always dreamed. What could possibly put a kink in the plan now?
No friendship is free from flaws entirely. People disagree all the times, and friendships ebb and flow as both individuals grow and change as they encounter different challenges individually as well as together. When you're friends with an ex, these problems are often compounded exponentially. No matter what side of the breakup you were on, you're going to have to deal with these issues head-on, or kiss your friendship goodbye before it even begins.
If you're the person who ultimately ended your relationship with your ex, you have to understand that your ex is still trying to deal with lingering feelings that didn't end just because the relationship did. Ultimately, they're looking for the opportunity to come in and save the day - by reinstating your romantic relationship with or without your blessing. If things don't seem quite cohesive in the way of a typical friendship, chances are good that those feelings are most likely the culprit, and they're also not simply going to go away if you ignore them for long enough.
If your ex is the one that called things off, however, you already know what's really going on. That deer in the headlights look isn't fooling anyone. You know that you want to win your ex back at almost all costs, and you're just biding your time until a golden opportunity magically shows up at your door. You think that a friendship is simply an avenue to achieve your overall goal, and if your ex is denying their own feelings that denial will eventually wear off.
No matter how amiable your breakup was, one person inevitably felt more hurt than the other. Maybe it was due to the fact that they felt their opinions didn't count towards the overall disposition of things, or maybe it's because they never wanted the breakup at all. Regardless of the thought-process behind the scenes, things that heavy can't stay hidden forever. It will ultimately lead to a lot of built up emotion on one or both sides, and it's going to be hard to move past that kind of negativity long-term.
Focus on the Ultimate Prize
If you're starting to recognize the reality behind your fa?ade of a friendship, then the biggest hurdle is already behind you. Often admitting your feelings is harder than putting them into practice in reality. You need to take some time away from the friendship and your hopes for the situation and really focus on what you're feeling.
Since you're on the fence with the whole friendship tactic, you may want to take the plunge and realize that it's simply not the correct course of action if you're looking for a real chance at a renewed relationship. Some action will need to be taken on your part, and being friends is not the way to make it a reality.
Are You Friends Already?
If your breakup led to a gradual shift into friendship that doesn't have to mean that your golden opportunity has already passed you by. The time to take definitive action is gradually slipping through your fingers, however, which is why you absolutely need to step up to the plate and do something about it - before you realize that it's simply too late.
The good news is that there are certain things you can do now that may give you an edge in the long run. First of all you need to move away from the friend role that you may have unwillingly filled. That means backing off for a little while and seriously considering your options. From there, a conversation is in the cards - and it's not going to be an easy conversation to have.
The fact of the matter is that you owe yourself some honesty right now, and you owe it to your ex as well - even if that honesty is not something they necessarily want to hear. Be honest with the doubts that you're having about staying friends. More importantly, be honest about how you really feel. Although they may be resistant at first, they'll come to appreciate your honesty, and that's going to give you a definite advantage throughout the process.
What To Do Next
Being friends with your ex is only a good idea if you are not interested in them romantically and have moved on. However, if you want to get back together there are a few things that you have to do first. Avoiding these break up mistakes is crucial if you want to be successful. Most people have no idea that they are doing anything wrong and this is dangerous. You also should be on the look out for signs your ex loves you. Only then can you really gauge how they feel and what your chances are.
Source: http://www.streetarticles.com/friendship/being-friends-with-your-ex-the-bad-news
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